she pulls out her hair

But when she twists her hair and pulls it out, it hurts me. At first, I thought it was because it annoyed me. Then I thought it was because I was totally powerless over the behavior. Then I thought it was because I felt I was a failure as a mother -- how could a child with such a loving, consistent, healthy, and attentive family be so anxious that she'd give herself bald spots?

I had to trim one side to even it out after she'd pulled out so much she looked lopsided.

Now I realize it's not that I'm a failure, or Josh, or that we're not meeting her needs somehow. What hurts me about her habit is that it's so public. People can *see* her anxiety. It took me a solid 15 years to be almost okay with sharing my own fears. And here is this beautiful, happy child walking around with a flashing billboard that says, "I'm actually really, really worried."

I wish I could wash away every worry.

The pulling started just a few days after we told her she was going to have a new baby brother or sister. It's completely understandable.

I've Googled it, and the OCD-related habit also happens to run in our family. So, I'm almost able to understand she just can't help it. I talk to the other twister/puller I know and have learned more. I try to let it go, have faith that she will find other ways to help herself with her anxiety. But when I see her worries in those bare patches it's all I can do to not sweep her up into my arms, maybe put her in a sling, and keep her close to me forever.

Getting Intimate in the Car

Lately we've had occasion to drive our friends' car, and they've driven ours. If you think this sounds like no big deal, then you don't have small children and/or are fastidious about keeping your car interior clean. At any given moment, despite regular clear-outs, our car is filled with empty water and soda bottles, five or six pairs of size 8.5 children's shoes, puzzle pieces, at least 10 or 15 children's books, plastic containers with food in various stages of decay, clothes to go to Goodwill, tools to go to the rental property, trash, trash, and more trash. Add to the clutter, the actual *filth* that comes from passing drinks and food back and forth from the frontseat to the back. Sticky spots, crumbs enough to build small sandcastles, and plain old stains.

When I told our friend the key was in the car, that they could come get it from the driveway to use the next day, I didn't rush out to do even a cursory declutter. I realized that with these friends (not with all, but with them), they'd understand. While their car never seems to reach the same level of grunge ours does, they also have a 5 year old and the clutter that follows. Even if they were some of those rare few young parents who keep immaculate cars, I feel an acceptance with them that helped me get over the shame of the potential stink they'd find in our car.

I have dreams some day of paying for "interior detailing" and then staying ahead of the mess. Every few weeks I get a little manic about it and take everything out of the car isn't actually supposed to live there (supposed to stay? one water bottle, one hairbrush, a handful of books, extra socks and jacket, bag of roasted almonds). It's satisfying, but is sadly covered with a veil of futility. At this moment, Maya can't put her feet on the floor of the car below her car seat, the "way back" looks like we're packed to go on a long trip, and there is at least one water bottle lying on the floor that might not have been empty when it landed. Would I let our dear friends borrow it in this condition? With likely apologies in advance, sure I would. They know there are more important things we can be doing with our time then cleaning the car. In fact, this little girl leaning on my shoulder as I type wants to go play on the swingset. We'll walk past the car wreck and have some fun.



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Yummies, yum-yum, noo-noos, moo-moos...

Our family is on the lookout for a good word to teach the new baby (comes in May) to mean "I want to nurse." Maya used "nah-nah" which evolved into "neen," "neenies," or, "neen-beans."

The point of the "code word" is so I'm not in the middle of the supermarket next year with a child hanging on me saying, "boobies!" or "I want to nurse NOW!" or some other obvious thing... (Not that I mind people knowing what the kid is asking for, but I've been in situations where other people would have been really uncomfortable if they had known what Maya was asking for...)

Ideas?

Maya likes, "nummies."




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What it was like

About fifteen years ago my boyfriend told me one reason he was attracted to me because I was able to puke after drinking too much without making a scene. I would go off quietly, throw up, clean up, and return to the party as if nothing had happened. He admired the quality, and I was proud of it.

I moved across the country to be with him and he paid my bills for two years.





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Okay, what the hell...

Lying on the couch lately, dealing with a healthy sickness, I've had time to poke around a bunch of my friends' blogs (and blogs of folks I know only virtually). A lot of them are totally random. Several are very personal, almost like journals, and a few incorporate sharing links and photos in a really amusing way.

So, I've been trying to take this "blog" seriously enough that I only post essays I've spent some time with. Essays I've thought about and re-written until I'm not embarrassed to share them.

But, it was really fun reading everyone's stuff. So, instead of being ruled by that old "I refuse to do what everyone else is doing because it means it's totally uncool!" rule that I sometimes fall prey to, I'm going to just post blog entries as they come to me. If people choose to read it, that's great! If not, that's sad, but okay. It's better for me if I post *something* rather than wait around until I've taken the time to do it "well." My apologies in advance for how navel-gazing this is likely to be.

--Heather

PS A handful of blogs I've enjoyed from the couch include: http://blackgirlinmaine.wordpress.com/ http://grapes2dot0.blogspot.com/ http://www.towse.com/blogger/blog.htm http://paula-light.blogspot.com/

PPS For those of you receiving posts via email, please let me know if you'd like to be removed now that there will likely be many more posts (and many lacking much substance). :-)