ModerInternetation

Not too long ago I found myself sitting in a position similar to the one I'm in now: on the bed, Althea next to me, the glow of the laptop casting a strange blue-grey glow over my hands and front. It wasn't too long ago because, actually, it was three days ago on Tuesday.

Some of you may have experienced what I'm now calling excessive-compulsive computernettering.

As I look inward on this very special day (13 years sober), I'm touched by the knowledge that my compulsive self is still alive and, um... well? It's so easy for me to overdo *anything.* It's not a big deal, really, until it is.

On Tuesday I found myself crossing over the line with my 'net usage. If you are reading this it's likely you've seen the ebb and flow of this relationship of mine. I've made some grand sweeping statements, swearing off Facebook, or other online forums, then creeping back or exploding back on the scene.

My point? It's simple. Just like I've done with lots of other mediums in my life, I can take something and overuse it and overdo it until I've pummeled it into nothing. When I start writing things like this about misusing or correctly using distractions, I know I'm reaching the edge.

Sure signs I've reached the over-doing it with my online life:

• I bring the laptop to bed with me even when it's about time for me to sleep.
• I suggest Josh drives to or from Boston (even though I like driving) when we go because I know I'll get to use his iPhone "just to check" Twitter and/or Facebook.
• My fingertips start to feel as if they've endured electric shock from being on the keyboard and/or track pad for so long.
• I "miss" my daughters even though I've been in their physical presence all day long.
• When I'm away from the computer I'm thinking about something from my online life and letting my offline life slide in some way.
• I turn off the machine for just a few hours and I miss it, or I notice the dramatically fresh breath of sanity and space that so quickly returns.

So, yeah, that was on Tuesday that I realized I'd pushed myself well over the limit of sanity in my online use. The beautiful thing about being in recovery, though, is how quickly serenity returns. Instead of spending days full of guilt, shame, and remorse, I do a quick little prayer, "god, help me," and WHAP! I'm free. Balance returns almost immediately. Joy does, too.

And now I'm sitting in that same weird blue-grey glow of the monitor typing away (and checking Facebook and watching tweets roll in and playing with the most excellent feedly). But, I'm about to finish up this blog post and turn off the computer without even a twinge of "just one more." It won't cause me any anxiety to shut it off, and I won't feel the need to check in when I first wake up. I've been reminded of the proper use of this online life. Distractions are fine, in moderation. Playing around is fine, in moderation. Ice cream, cheesecake, and deep fried foods are fine, in moderation. You name the vice, and they are *all* fine, in moderation (except for drugs/alcohol, for me, because my body reacts differently than you normies out there).

I wanted to post this little blurp of a blog post because I know I'm not the only one who overdoes the online life. It's something a lot of people won't admit to because, like any misuse of distractions, it might imply weakness of will or character. Because it's something a lot of people don't like talking about, I feel compelled (in a good way) to talk about it. If you know what I'm talking about, if you've found yourself staring at the screen feeling there's nothing more it can give you but you need to check for more anyway, you are not the only one. You are not alone. I've been there and I'll be there again. And then it'll get better. It always, always, always gets better.




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