Off the charts

Note: This blog post was originally intended for another place on the old dub dub dub (www). A place where my language is much more casual than it usually is here at serenebabe.net. I changed my mind mid-stream and haven't censored it for you.

So I'm blubbering away, not even sure why. I just can't stop crying. Nothing has really changed in my life, but the sobs keep coming. As is my way, I began analyzing everything, certain if I identify the source I'll ease the pain.

I found lots of reasons for the tears. All perfectly reasonable. But, why now? These things (sleep deprivation, 8 week old baby + almost-six year old child + small business owner, feverish illness, confusions with friends) were true days ago. When I sat at the table in the kitchen of my parents' summer house crying, what had changed? I was sure I had the answer. And then I had the answer again (different one). And again.

Explaining it to Maya was also explaining it to my parents and to me: "I've had so many things going on and it's just built up and I need to let it out." She certainly needed to understand. I hope what I gave her helped. I know a crying parent can be a scary thing.

Later that day, though, it hit me. I hadn't taken my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication regularly for a week and at all for three days. Say what you will about Zoloft and the like (and I could and would in a different post -- I think they are highly over-prescribed), but after 15 years with this medication I can testify that some of us actually do have misfiring synapses that need some bridge building.

But this post isn't really about medication, exactly. This is about online activities and behavior as a mirror into my mental health. When I saw this comic today it occurred to me I could easily graph the relationship between my mental health and my online activities.

When I say online activities I mean these things: anything Facebook related, Twitter, Google Reader, email, discussion groups like mothering.com, Google talk, YouTube, FriendFeed.

When I say my mental health I mean how much stress am I experiencing? Am I internally chaotic and, therefore, desperate for any distractions to keep me from myself? Or am I relatively serene, as SereneBabe of course prefers?

As you can see, if the image is clear enough, there is a direct correlation between my 'net activities and my mental health:

On the left you'll see the bracket showing the "range of reasonable, healthy activity" or "normal" behavior online. The range is pretty wide as some of us use online life pretty intensely even when it's perfectly healthy. Some email 100s of times a day to just as many people, some share links on end via Facebook or other social networking sites, some blog daily, etc. etc.

At the bottom of that bracket begins the line that runs across the graph indicating "average/typical online user behavior threshold/frequency." I'm not sure why my title has so many words when it just means, "regular people who aren't using the 'net as much as me and people I know," or, "average users." I think that line is around where the majority of 'net users are. They may check Facebook even every day for a few minutes, and they may use email for work a lot, but, in general, they would be puzzled at the notion of spending hours and hours online goofing around.

So then we come to my activities online relative to my mental health. That jagged solid line. This is not drawn to scale, obviously. (This makes me laugh because what would the scale be? A day? A week? A month? Several months?) What I've done is show a few examples of stress levels/mental instability and what happens to my online usage and behavior. The "time" label is sort of moot, really, I think I just put it there because it was on that little cartoon's graph.

Key indicators of rash, impulsive, childish, and even a little bit certifiably nuts behaviors include my level of sleep deprivation, hormone surges, and as I mentioned above, whether or not I've been faithfully taking my anti-depressant medication.

I was thinking it would be neat to show graphically some of this behavior, bemoaning the impossibility of it when I remembered this. What you'll see if you click that link is a series of charts showing my activities on Twitter. Pretty dramatic increase for May. Now some of the increase over the last several months has been perfectly healthy use of Twitter. I enjoy it more than I used to. But, that jump in May had a lot more to do with sleep deprivation/hormones and the dreaded missed medications.

In fact, the past many months if examined closely would show surges of unhealthy levels of Internet activities as I was pregnant (hormonal and sleep deprived). It's also the case that almost every month, maybe every other, I just space refilling my prescription for Zoloft. So, a few days after realizing it I'm hitting myself on the forehead with an "aw, shit, watch out for me in 2-5 days, world!"

Some people, when they are feeling emotionally or mentally shaky will self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, sex, or any combination of those things. And with the exception of the alcohol/drug option, I'd say I lean in the distraction-to-numb direction too. My drug of choice most days, though, is the online life. And, for the most part, it is a harmless tool. Only when I drag other people into my nutsiness can it be problematic. I might maniacally share links which flood the Facebook newsfeed at all hours of the day and night. I might email friends 15-20 times a day. I might tweet every 2-3 minutes for large chunks of time, again, clogging the stream. Or, I might say chatchatchat with me now! Some of you reading this will recognize these behaviors.

But, with rare but notable exceptions, this method of coping is typically a victimless crime. A safe way to hold on to the leash of life and stay on the ride until things calm down. A way to escape the overwhelming feelings until I can function and manage again. And, as long as my offline life doesn't suffer from this maniacal behavior, it's a tool I'll likely use again.

Recently I made a big deal about the fact that I share a lot of personal information in my blogs, but that I don't often get authentically deeply open. With this post I feel I'm opening that door a bit. So many of you who read this will recognize my patterns either in yourselves or as witnesses of mine on Facebook or Twitter: there goes Heather/SereneBabe again! she's nuts with all the updates! or, where the heck is Heather/SereneBabe? she's usually all over the place here... (that question is asked of me when I approach "average" use of the 'net).

Before I was pregnant with Althea I did have some of these same graphable patterns. But this has truly been a train wreck of a ride, the last 9-10 months. I've seen in me behavior I thought long gone since the late 90s. Off the charts far too many times. The avoidance of life's normal stressors, and the infliction of my mental health issues on others around me, are both things I would regret if I believed in regret. (Don't believe in regret? No, I don't. I believe in acceptance and change through amends wherever possible. I also find most amends are best served by my discontinuing actions rather than performing some new action.)

I've written here and elsewhere about the issues of TMI. I do think some of my impassioned advocating for being more open with ourselves in public had a lot to do with distracting myself from the real issues I was facing: I was dead tired, physically wiped out, tackled by hormones, beyond irregular with my medication, and simply taking on too much at one time. A friend said today in an email to be patient, to remember that it takes a few days for the blood levels to get back to where they need to be (I just got the prescription refilled). Well, patience is precisely what leaves me when the med levels drop. So, here I am to blog all about it. I've been off the chart for sure in the past few days. But I see that with a relatively good night's sleep last night and one planned for tonight (Althea has finally become a strong enough nurser that a couple of our nighttime nursing sessions can be done from bed) combined with a rededication to taking that little pill every day without fail (ha!), I expect to be back down to a way bit higher than average, but perfectly normal and healthy 'net usage once again.

Now, I've got to go check FacebookTwitterGoogleReaderMotheringdotcommuneandFriendfeed before I go to sleep.



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