Doing It in Public

When I make major life decisions, I tend to shout it to whoever will listen. With venues like Facebook and Twitter, now, I can go a little bezerk (it's "berzerk?" not how I say it!) with these announcements. Throughout my life I've had concerned friends ask, why not keep it to yourself? They ask because more often than not after making public pronouncements of major changes I almost immediately change my mind. My flip-flopping tendencies used to be a source of terrible shame. Didn't matter, though, I'd still get the bullhorn out any time I was sure "everything's going to be different, now."

Why do I do this even though I know it can be humiliating? A couple reasons. First, it's part of how I do change. And, second, it's part of who I am.

It used to be the shame part was something I depended on to hold myself accountable. I thought if all these people know I'm --going running every day/never drinking again/only eating whole grains/breaking it off with that bad guy-- then surely I would be too embarrassed to do those things again. They'll all know I didn't stick to it, that will be horrible. I'll stay strong just to avoid the embarrassment.

Wrong!

That outward source of shame does almost nothing to keep my resolve. It served its purpose back when I needed to bash myself for being weak. These days when I change my mind (and, believe me, I almost always do) I get the tiniest twinge of that old shame and it's a useful tool.

With a few exceptions, I take that twinge and use it as a mirror. I see what I had committed to and what is changing. I see what is working and what isn't. I face the truth because of that twinge. For me, without that outward twinge of "oh, shit, everyone's going to know I'm sitting-around-on-my-ass/drinking/getting-mcdonald's/sleeping-with-him-again" simply helps me avoid glossing over the truth.

Funny thing is, when I make these mega statements of change I can still be entirely (and I mean *entirely*) convinced this change will be forever. No matter my many years taking life one day at a time, when it comes to improving my life I think in ridiculous eternities and absolutes. I know this, and I still convince myself *this* change is forever. Just to go all "meta" if I'm using that too-cool-for-school term correctly, I also know on some levels that it's foolish to claim a change is forever. The only way to make effective change is moments at a time. Doesn't matter. It's how I do it.

So: public announcement. Totally convinced the change will last. Committed entirely. Minutes pass, sometimes days, and I go back to my old ways (or some version of that). Some people comment, "thought you were going to xyz?" I address them. On my darker days I imagine other people laughing at my weakness. But, most days I know people are either not noticing what I'm doing at all (most likely) or just chalking it up to the girl-who-cried-change. That's fine, too. If it weren't true maybe I'd be insulted. But I'm definitely not.

Slightly different from "it's how I do change," is "it's part of who I am." I'm a born share-er. My almost complete distaste for emotional intimacy aside, I like telling people what I'm thinking. I always have. I used to like doing it because I desperately, *desperately* needed external validation. That evolved into simply enjoying the communication of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. I know my being open with my experience can and has helped other people be open (see Why, why, TMI?). When I write or speak about my experiences I hear myself better than if I just think about those things. I can "journal," too, and sometimes I do. That can help the process of change but it's not nearly as effective for me.

When people who care about me suggest I take my declarations back into the privacy of my own mind (or keep it among my closest loved ones), I understand their point of view. It can be difficult watching someone be such an exposed wound as I've been at times. There's the fear I won't be taken seriously, that I'll be seen as flighty or...can't think of the word... funny timing... as someone who's brainless. Oh! As a ditz. It's true. There are certainly people out there who have seen me that way. Surely there still are people like that. And of the people who pay me any mind some are amused, some are frustrated, some are patient, and some are accepting. I know this because they tell me. They tell me because I've told them loudly and often exactly what is on my mind. Once again, they've seen me doing it in public.



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