Tuning In

When my mother sang me to sleep, her voice was the most beautiful in the world. Now, when I sing Maya to sleep I wonder if she'll think the same thing. I used to be a very good singer. I still get enthusiastic kind comments when I sing, but I'm quite sure that's because I sing confidently even when I miss the notes.

My voice was never super-star strong. But I did make it into the audition-only groups in school, and those were quite competitive. Madrigals felt like a waste of time as a teen, but the jazz choir performed in the annual "Pops and Jazz" show with the jazz band that was really, really good. I remember sitting in a semi-circle with the other jazz choir members with the slighty-insane director shouting at me to sing a series of two or three notes over and over and over again, perfecting the pitch and the tone. People who weren't very musical often thought I had perfect pitch (never did, but could stay in key).

Because that's part of who I was, I was someone who sang, I was always in the choirs. And, because I sing strongly I was often a favorite of directors (especially in our tiny church choir where I was a strong singer who was also the preacher's kid). It was part of who I was. I never really considered if I enjoyed singing, enjoyed the music, or enjoyed being a singer.

In college, I auditioned for a capella groups like The Accents and The Sonneteers. I ended sticking with The Sonneteers. We had some superstar voices in there and overall did a nice job with the music we made. I was content to be someone who could carry a tune with a pretty voice still never questioning why I was doing it.

Then, in the late 1980's I had surgery on my sinuses. This seriously helped my health (no more sinus infections for years), but completely screwed up my voice. After the surgery I became anxious any time I sang in public. I'm still entirely freaked out that I can hear what I'm singing, I can know it's wrong, and I can't fix it. I can't just sing a little tune without concentrating hard.

Friends suggest if I were to return to voice lessons, I might be able to re-learn the skill. The question has become, do I want to? Why did I sing in the first place? Did it give me pleasure, or was it just what I did because I could? I can't stand musicals, I have no desire to sing in a band, I still cringe at the thought of booooring choir rehearsals. So, why re-learn it if I'm not drawn to singing?

Every night, I sing Maya to sleep. I have a small repertoire of songs, most from my mother's own selection. It's in those moments when maybe my mind is wandering to "when will she ever fall asleep" and back to enjoying the experience of creating the music that I wonder about this. There are only a few activities in my life where I can lose myself and find myself at the same time. Creating art is one of those times. And, I'm beginning to remember, singing does it, too.

Would I enjoy voice lessons again? Would I take the time even if I didn't want to join a choir? I know I'd like to not fear the sounds coming out of me, I'd like to get that control back. I enjoy vocal music (chamber choirs, madrigals, other choral groups). Before I put in any effort, though, I need to know what my goal is. For now, I'll remain content knowing it's quite possible my daughter thinks I have the most beautiful voice on the planet.


.